My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*