I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
The first matador
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic