Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Ummm
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.