I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
remember
only for emergencies
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?