Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
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