I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.