My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
So that’s what we looked like?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My therapist after every session
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Growing up was a huge mistake
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit