Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Husband of the year 😂
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”