I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂