“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
pls suprot
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
water it, i dare you
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.