i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
me, after any kind of buffet.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”