The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it