Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
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I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”