don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Good morning!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Chicken bread
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot