I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.