In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.