As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
You Might Also Like
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Overindulged this afternoon.
Ain’t no way
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
peep davidson
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”