You should be able to google why a couple broke up
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Good for him.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby