There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow