I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.