Apparently, this is how the world ends.
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I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
sounds kinky. i’m in.
notice
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”