wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Wise advice
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*