My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
dads on road-trips be like
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.