Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what