My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
wish me luck lads
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.