Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
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So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
my retirement plan is braless
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’