The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know