Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
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I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Batman v Dracula
me linking you to my twitter
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love