[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
$4 #usedbooks
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me trying to walk in a dream
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy