Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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this is funnier than any friends episode
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”