Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?