boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
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OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
This is so me 😂😂
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not