imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking