ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
You Might Also Like
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks