People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
The Weeknd is back
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?