[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
me and who
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”