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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“HELP WITH CAT”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2