My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Ugh but profoundly
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.