Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
our love story in four pictures
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up