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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
no one likes gloating
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.