I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.