me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
You Might Also Like
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.