Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
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I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I wish I were this cool 😂
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”