Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
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My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Mhm.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time