wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Swedish for common sense.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me too, bag. Me too….
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?