I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.