why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
You Might Also Like
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”