god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly