Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
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H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
what day is it?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Single and childfree like Jesus
men are simple creatures
Never ghost your hitman.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.