Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
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[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.